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Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
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12:24 am - The Bubble
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I was in NC for the gay and lesbian film festival (it was a queer festival but that's what they called it) and went to see The Bubble. I sobbed for 10 minutes after it ended; the sobbing came over me like a fever, like it wouldn't end. It left me hot and headachy. Since then, it's been with me and I've been trying to figure out what it is that had me so caught up.
I guess it's a lot of things: 1) falling in love with the characters and feeling like I know them 2) violence -- that folks lives can be like labryinth mazes with no way out 3) Palestine 4) wanting so badly to make art that moves people and makes them know what I've known in my life, what I thought no one else would ever be able to understand. A lot of that has to do with violence -- how it can feel like it's everywhere and what it's like to feel like you're the only one who can see it. THAT is like having a superpower you aren't sure if you want. That's why I felt like I had superpowers all throughout my childhood. And why I dreamt about flying with the superheroes, the people who would take care of me and understand.
I feel lucky to have known so many of those: D, K, M, J, R, T. Thanks. I love you. A
current mood:  grateful
current music: central air
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| Monday, July 23rd, 2007
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7:58 pm - New Apartment!
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My g-friend and I got an apartment! A really nice clean one with a backyard, living room, two bedrooms, and an office for me!!!! I'm really really happy. And my landlord is letting me stay until 9/1 so I can move in properly after that. My new life! Hoorah.
Of course, I'm scared to be so excited about something but here it is: elation.
current mood:  giddy
current music: in my head: the rest is still unwritten
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| Saturday, June 9th, 2007
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12:16 am - fight
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I'm fighting with my therapist. What I mean to say is that she keeps telling me that she thinks she can help me, and that I have to go to those places in my past and say what happened so that I can let go of the guilt from that time. I keep saying that I don't trust her -- that her questions sound like my mother's questions and that my mother messed up my experiences by not believing and trying to prove that what I felt and experienced wasn't really what I felt and experienced. She seems optimistic. I don't feel very optimistic. I feel like I don't know if I should hit the road and find someone else who I feel like I can trust, who doesn't remind me of my mother. Is the point of being in therapy to work through these things? Or is the point of being in therapy to find a loving place to feel better. I was having dinner with my friend Katie tonight. She told me that her relationship with her old therapist was not about processing but about building a trusting relationship where she could tell him anything.
My therapist . . . I feel like she wants me to process everything. I'm scared I'll ruin my chances to write my book, to write what's happened to me because I'll let it all out with her -- that it be like being the critic for my own book or life. That instead of simply living it, I'll be explaining and overprocessing it. I don't want to. I don't think it's good for me. I think she thinks this whole thing is about me avoiding talking about what's happened to me and me delving into myself. Maybe it's both. But the thing is that the fact that everytime I say I want to leave and that I'm not happy and that I don't trust her she says things like: trust is one of your issues -- it reminds me of my mom. It feels confusing and maybe invalidating. Maybe. Not sure on that one. (Because I'm confused -- what is real and what am I hiding from?)
current mood:  confused
current music: A/C
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